Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The filmmaker alone

The cabin where I'm working in Jamaica Plain, MA.

I began research on my next documentary yesterday and I feel very alone. I got on a plane by myself for an overnight flight to Boston where no-one was waiting for me and set up my base of operations in a small cabin behind a friend’s house.

All that is refreshing. It’s nice to get out of the house and find solitude. What’s lonely about it is that I am here for no other reason except to create something from scratch. I’m not going to a festival for a job well done or to visit family or with my partner on vacation. I alone will make something from nothing using my skills and experience. And not knowing where it all will take me gives me pause.

I walked to the grocery store here in Jamaica Plain to buy milk, bread and cereal and will work out of this little cabin for a few days. Tomorrow I begin pre-interviewing potential subjects about aging in the LGBT community. Tonight, I am jet-lagged and sore from carrying equipment through airports and subways.

It is at times like these that I wonder, who do I think I am kidding? I’m just a wannabe filmmaker. It’s just me and a camera. No crew anymore. No network to pay me. But I quickly remember how many times I’ve had this feeling of self-doubt before and how many times I have had the feeling of success at the other end of a project. I have faith in myself.

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